Am I Perfect Yet?
by MonkeyInTheRain
Summary: Follow Sam in her journey of pain and self discovery, as she tries to become what she believes is perfect. Seddie will eventually happen but it is not the focus of the story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or any of its characters.**

 _ **The words in italics are comments on the iCarly website.**_

After filming another successful webcast and purchasing some drinks from the Groovy Smoothie, the iCarly cast decided to check out the comment feed on their latest upload. Sam sat between Freddie and Carly on the Shay couch nursing her Banana Smash smoothie. She has lost her appetite after reading some of the comments on the iCarly website.

 _sam is so ugly I bet even gibby wouldn't date her LOL_

 _Carly 10/10 would bang. Sam? Not so much_

 _i wonder how Freddie deals. I mean like he has like the hottest gurl in seattle on 1 end and then fat and ugly sam on the other_

 _honestly y is sam even on icarly. Shes so annoying. I hate her personality an her fat ugly face_

 _omg sam is like super fat. You can see her chubby belly through her penny tee. Who even let her on the show_

 _it's a fact that carly is the reason we all watch these webcasts. She is so hot. Sam is just a fat blonde pig_

Those are some of the typical comments one would find under a recent upload. Of course there were some kind words from fans, but for every sweet comment, there was one about Sam. This wasn't the first time. Every single time the gang decided to browse though the website, these horrible words were found. Carly always tried to comfort Sam, she told her that the comments weren't true, it was just people being mean, and Freddie always agreed with her, albeit awkwardly.

Sam never liked to dwell on her problems, she always bore her tough exterior and it never faltered. She tried to pretend the words didn't bother her, but it got harder after countless times hearing from people calling her fat and ugly. One could see the cleverly masked hurt in her eyes. "haters gonna hate," was what she said after they concluded their comment reading session.

Now the three friends awkwardly sat on the couch trying to enjoy a special feature of ugly cow. Carly tried to lighten the mood several times. She brought some snacks and joked around. But, she was oblivious to the melancholy of her best friend. Freddie on the other hand noticed a shift in Sam's behavior.

He regretted ever coming up with the idea to browse through the website's comments. He enjoyed seeing all the nice comments from fans, but didn't realize how rude some people could be. He decided that they wouldn't ever be doing this again, because he couldn't bear to see Sam so glum. Her smoothie sat unfinished in her hand, and she hadn't touched any snacks even though she was usually excited for any type of food Carly gave her.

The majority of the rude comments targeted Sam, there were a few about him and his dorky attitude, and even one or two about Carly. Although Freddie wouldn't admit it, he had a soft spot in his heart for the blonde devil Sam. After years of enduring her harshness towards him he began to develop feelings for the girl. She was a challenge, a girl he deemed he could never have. She would flat out reject him if he dared to try. That's why he settled for Carly. Carly was easy to pursue, she was kind and shy like himself, and he couldn't deny that she was pretty.

Speaking of Carly, she was currently singing along to the commercial on the T.V. seemingly oblivious the inner turmoil of her friends. Though she acted care free, she had noticed how Sam had gotten a little upset over the comments. But she knew Sam would not admit it, especially in front of Freddie. That's when she had an idea.

Carly quickly turned around, and addressed her blonde best friend. "Hey, Sam do you want to stay over tonight? Spencer is going to be with Socko all night so we can have the house to ourselves,"

Sam usually loved a sleep over with Carly. She would rather stay over at the Shay's residence than her mother's junk trailer almost any day, except today. The comments made her feel like a vile and disgusting pig. Why else would viewers repeatedly mention her apparent fatness if it wasn't true? For Sam a decision had been made. She wasn't going to be fat anymore. She would change, and she hoped that one day she would be as likeable as her best friend Carly.

She felt Carly tap her shoulder, "Well Sam. What do you think? Are you up for a sleep over?" Sam was going to accept, but then remembered her decision. If she stayed with Carly they would be snacking all night, but Sam needed some alone time. A lie easily left her tongue, and she found herself denying Carly's request and on her way out the door a few minutes later.

Freddie decided it was too awkward to stay with Carly. "Well I'm going to go, I need to fix some things on the website," he mumbled and picked up his lap top. "Wait Freddie," he heard Carly from beside him. He looked over at her raising an eyebrow. She fumbled with her hands for a second before asking him, "Do you think Sam's okay? What if these comments are getting to her?"

What he wanted to say, was that he knew Sam wasn't okay, and that they should comfort her. He wanted to grab Sam and hug her. He wanted to tell her she was beautiful to him. But he knew he could never do any of those things because Sam would break his bones and call him a stupid nub. His fear that Sam would find out and ruin the small friendship that he had with Sam had him muttering a harsh reply to Carly's question. "Sam? Pssh yeah. Of course she's fine. She bullies me all the time; she should try getting bullied for once,"

Carly frowned at him, and he continued, unable to stop the harsh words leaving his mouth. "So? they called her fat. What's the big deal? Man if it bugs her so much maybe she should lose some weight," Freddie instantly regretted his words as a gasp escaped Carly's mouth. "Freddie!"

He shook his head, angry at himself for looking like… like a douche bag, he thought. "Uh… I mean. Um... I have to go now. You know how my mom is," he laughed uncertainly, excusing himself from Carly's upset gaze. As he approached the door he could have sworn he heard someone running down the hall, but once he opened the door he found nothing. Little did he know that his words fueled the start of a horrible journey, one that would to lead much pain and regret.

 **Author's Note: Well first, I want to thank you for reading through the first chapter of my first fanfic ever. This idea has been lingering in my head for a long while, and I finally decided I would give it a go. I'm not going to beg for reviews but it would be nice to know if you guys like the story so far. Does every one seem in character? What do you want to see more of? Okay anyways thanks again for reading. Chapter 2 will be up soon. XX Monkey**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. Yet.**

" _So? They called her_ _ **fat**_ _. What's the big deal? Man if it bugs her so much_ _ **maybe she should lose some weight**_ _,"_

As much as she tried to pretend she didn't care, she couldn't. Freddie's words had stung. Sure she may have been a little chubby, but that didn't mean she needed to lose weight. She never imagined Freddie saying something like that. She reckoned he must have finally snapped from all the torment he received from Sam.

She wondered what would have happened if Sam had heard these words. This wasn't the first time Freddie had let harsh words slip out, but this time it was different. The harsh words were significant. _Maybe I'm just over thinking this. Sam doesn't care how other people see her._

Too many thoughts were flitting through her mind. She didn't need to worry how Freddie's words would affect Sam, because she didn't hear them anyways. It was just a silly what if. And she would prove it tomorrow when she made Sam her favorite bacon pie.

 **(A.N: in case it was confusing these were all Carly's thoughts)**

XxX

" _maybe she should lose some weight,"_

Sprint.

" _maybe she should lose some weight,"_

Faster. Harder.

" _maybe she should lose some weight,"_

It was too much, her energy was draining, but she couldn't stop. She had to make it home.

" _maybe she should lose some weight,"_

She was running so fast that tears had blurred her vision, everything was flitting by. Oxygen struggled to make its way into her lungs. She didn't see the twig on the ground. She didn't realize she had tripped until she was face first in a patch of muddy grass.

" Bacon definitely tastes better than grass," she muttered, trying to distract herself from the one thing plaguing her.

" _maybe she should lose some weight,"_

That chilling sentence wouldn't leave her mind. She had decided she needed to change. She wouldn't be fat. She wouldn't be ugly. _I'm going to be perfect. Like Carly,_ Sam thought. Sure Sam could act tough, and pretend like words didn't hurt her, but they did.

They stung her heart and made her feel worthless. They made her feel hideous, fat, disgusting, and vile. Perhaps she could have endured the emotional turmoil longer, but that harsh phrase changed everything.

" _maybe she should lose some weight,"_

The one boy she thought could never hurt her had hurt her in the worst way possible. His words were packed harder than the punches she constantly gave to his gut. Harder than the kicks she sent to his shins. Harder than the paintball she aimed at his groin. Even if she wouldn't admit it. Out loud.

Sam would keep her pain bottled up inside, the cap screwed up tight so no one could ever get in. Just because she felt pain, didn't mean everyone had to know. No one had to see her angst. No one. Not her mother. Not Carly. Not Freddie. Not even frothy, her dumb fat cat.

She was lying there in the grass for a while, at least an hour had passed. She could have stayed there forever, gazing at the sky, repeating that one phrase in her mind. _"maybe she should lose some weight,"_

Maybe she was overreacting, but it didn't matter. She wasn't going to be fat anymore. She wasn't going to be ugly. She was going to be perfect. Another few hours had passed and somehow she had ended up home. If one could call her mother's beat up rusty trailer _home._

The rusty trailer with cardboard covered windows and flat tires for wheels. The rusty trailer with doors that didn't lock and floors that creaked when you stepped on them. The rusty trailer that she had to move into after her mother was evicted from a tenant last year. Evicted for excessive noise, not paying rent on time, having a pet inside, damaging property, and possessing illegal drugs.

Her mother was horrible. Sam fought with her on an almost daily basis. She disappeared for weeks, even months at a time. She always smelled like cigarettes and cheap perfume. She screamed at Sam to get a job. She screamed that Frothy couldn't live with them if he didn't pay his rent. She screamed about lots of things. She did everything wrong. Well, almost everything.

Even if Pam Puckett didn't know how to show it, she still loved her daughter dearly. No, not Melanie, she loved Sam. Of course she loved Melanie too, but that's beside the point. The point is that Pam loved Sam, and that's why when her daughter walked in soaking wet with hurt in her eyes, she knew something was wrong.

She could just tell Sam was upset, and she wanted desperately to help her, but she couldn't. She just wasn't made to be a mother. "Sam what did I tell you about getting the front rug wet!" she screamed at her daughter. Ignoring the urge to go pick her up and hug her.

"I'm not in the mood Pam," she grumbled in response.

"I told you not to call me that. I am your mother!"

"Whatever you old hag,"

Sam trudged to the back of the trailer, her muddy sneakers leaving a trail of her dirt behind her.

"Puckett you better come here and mop this up right now!"

"Make the janitor do it! I mean your boyfriend. Oops."

Every word that Sam uttered sounded so brisk and nonchalant, like that of a rebellious teen, but inside her heart twisted in pain. She wished her mother would come hug her and ask her what was wrong. But that wasn't meant to be.

"THAT'S IT SAM OUCKETT! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND BEAT YOU WITH A PAN YOUNG LADY!"

"SHUT UP!"

"SAM! DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!"

"You already did,"

This was how their arguments usually went. Sam would ignore her mother, and disobey her commands to do one thing or another. Her mother would scream, and Sam would scream back. Her mother would threaten to hurt her, and Sam always got the last word.

It made her feel smug. Somewhere in her messed up brain it made her feel good. She was glad she could make her mother hurt. Hurt the way she did. She knew her words would cut deeper than the sharpest knife. Just like Freddie's. _"maybe she should lose some weight,"_

She wished she could forget his words, and slip back into the normal routine that was her life. But it was too late. Sam snuggled up in her blankets at the corner of the bed. She didn't care that she was wet. Moments later she found herself on her laptop. Well, it wasn't really hers, it was Freddie's old one that he gave her on her 14th birthday.

Somehow she had ended up on the iCarly website, specifically the comment section, when something caught her eye.

 _Sam will always be remembered as the fat one on iCarly._ –Missy666 (3 Hours Ago)

But it wasn't the comment that caught her eye. Nor was it the user who submitted it. It was the object below it.

 **Author's Note: Well there you have it. My second chapter. I hope you guys liked it. I promise the next update will be up faster than this one. Maybe some more reviews would motivate me… Just maybe. But on a serious note. Thank you to the three wonderful souls who reviewed my last chapter! Keep 'em coming. Oh yeah, before I forget, I know I'm not the best with grammar, so if you see anything wrong, please let me know and I'll try to fix it. I'm still new to finding betas and all so any help is appreciated.**

 **That's all for now. What do you think the object is? Dun Dun Dun. Ok bye! X Monkey**


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